How dumb can they get, thinking that they can break into one of these machines?

Criminal of the week:

Polite crook gave other customer needed spare change then robs store:On April 23, at about 6:26 a.m., in Columbus, a scruffy looking dude sporting a nasty looking gold jogging suit, entered the United Dairy store on South Hague Avenue, and walked up to the counter. Although he looked a little grubby he was very mannerable, he even gave another customer some spare change who was a little short on their purchase.  After that customer had left, the courteous ol’ dude whipped out a shinny pistol and told the clerk he wanted “All the cash in the register.” The clerk did as told. The polite, but scruffy looking crook fled on foot. You can pick up some extra cash if you know something, say something (614) 645-4664   Cops want this stanken breef dude bad!

Akron Ohio

A neighbor sees thugs breaking into a house with a crowbar:On April 25, around 9:55 p.m., a very concerned neighbor in the 1800 block ofHighview Avenue, called and reported that some scoundrels were breaking into the house next door with a crowbar and “I can see um and hear the glass shattering.” Ya’ll hurry up and get over here and try to catch these trifling thugs in action. A car was rushed out.

Some thieves’ just carjacked a Hyundai Santa Fe SUV:Around 9:53 p.m., on April 25, an observing passing motorist, called in and reported that they had just witnessed some hood rat’s carjack a Hyundai Santa Fe SUV with WestVirginia license plates, and the rotten azz thugs are headed towards Copley Road.  Several cars were dispatched to that area to try and head off these critters.

A belligerent jackass is beating a lady over on Madison Avenue:On April 25, at 9:56 p.m., some infuriated people in the 400 blocked of Madison Avenue, called in and reported that some jackass bully is beating up on a po’ lil’ woman on their street and they can’t stop him and the punk is known to carry a pistol. A car was sent over to test how bad this bully really is when he faces somebody that will whip his azz and charge him with domestic violence.

Mack is back in black and giving women smacks:What in the hell is going on with theez clowns beating on women?  On April 25, around 10:07 p.m., another woman called in and reported that her 28 year old cowardly boyfriend named Mack, was whipping on her in an apartment in the 7600 block ofSouth Adolph Street. She said Mack is back and he’s wearing all black. A unit was sent over to nab Mr. Mad Mack all dressed in black. Ladies, ya’ll got to really check out who you are choosing.

Some fool hit a car over at N. Seiberling and Norton and kept going:Around 9:49 p.m., on April 25, some folks who were mad as hell called in and reported that some sucka had just hit their car over onNorth Seilberling andNorton Street and the sap kept going. Ooooowe!  You know they wanted to whip his behind! A unit was sent out to investigate this hit-skip situation.

This bold bozo is breaking in a house on Way Street, right now!: On April 25, at 10:11 p.m., a freaked out neighbor in the 300 block of Way Street, called and reported that they could not believe their eyes, and that some crook is breaking and entering  the folk’s house next door as we speak. A car rushed out and arrived in two minutes trying to bust this ol’ booger in his burglary.

Cops just sopped a black Chevy Malibu on McKinley Avenue: Around 9:51 p.m., on April 25, a patrol car radioed dispatch and told them that they were pulling over a black Chevy Malibu in the 1200 block ofMcKinley Avenue, and this ding-bat doesn’t seem like he is going to stop. You could hear the cop’s siren in the background. Another cruiser was set over to assist and for back-up.

Columbus Ohio

Po Speedway robbed twice in one week by two different crooks: On April 13, at 1:30 a.m., a crook walked into theSpeedway gas station onMorse Road, and told the clerk that he had a gun, and this is a stick up. The clerk gave this chump an undetermined amount of cash and this jerk walked out. The irony of this robbery is that this same gas station was just robbed a few days ago by another bandit who pulled the same trick. This was twice in the same week. One day theez crooks who thinkSpeedway is an easy knockoff is gonna get the surprise of their life, the cops gonna sneak up on they butts and “busted.”

High school seniors threw eggs all over the building as prank: On April 4, at 11:17 p.m., some graduatingNorthlandHigh School seniors stole a key to the school onNorthcliff Drive, went in and started throwing raw eggs all over the place.  They squirted some baby oil up all the stairs to the second floor and did some other mischievous damage. When the police talked to some of the students that were involved, they said this was a “senior prank.”  The cops said that [stuff] wasn’t funny and charged their butts with trespassing. Now laugh at that!

Bad Bryce in the black Caddy who ran down the police got caught: Back on October 13, of last year, around 10:50 p.m., there was a big ruckus in the emergency room at Methodist Hospital. When the security  officer arrive and tried to stop a black Caddy with Arkansas plates from leaving the scene, the idiot driving the car lunged forward intentionally  striking the officer and causing him injury. The driver then fled the scene. After several months of investigation they found Bryce Allen in Jacksonville Arkansas, and busted his behind. Jail time!

The FBI is looking for the crook that robbed Chase Bank: On April 21, at around 1:25 p.m., a lone gunman walked into the Chase Bank on West 5^th Avenue and demanded money from the teller. The teller did not argue with this fool and gave him an undetermined amount of cash and the ding-dong walked out of the bank. The whole thing was caught on tape and the Feds are looking for his butt. Anybody who knows something should say something and get paid – (614) 645-4665. Shame on his azz when they catch him, cause he gone do some big time.

Script addicted junkie sticks up Walgreen’s Pharmacy for Oxys:

This fool is way off the chain!  On April 24, at around 9:50 p.m., the Walgreen Pharmacist on Harrisburg Pike received a phone call from a chump who told them that there was a bomb at the back door of the store and there was another man inside the store with a gun.   The junkie then told the pharmacist to place several bottles of Oxycodone and Oxycontin in the drive thru window and don’t look out.  Not sure what this fool in his folly was going to do, Doc knew this dope fiend really wanted to get high and did as he was told and placed the bottles in the window.  It had also been reported that two other Walgreen stores in the area had just received similar bomb threats,

Cleveland Ohio

Crackhead scrappers hiding stolen junk behind vacant building: On April 26, at 9:26 a.m., a guy name Tim in the 16300 block ofSt. Clair Avenue, spotted two scoundrels hauling and hiding junk that they had stole behind a vacant building onIvanhoe Road. Tim also reported that these critters are going in and out of the building which is condemned and this could be very dangerous. A car was sent to bring theez cart pushers to a screeching halt.

A raggedy car is parked on West 32^nd with all the windows busted out: On April 26, at 8:53 a.m., a caller in the 2100 block of West 32^nd Street, called and complained about an old raggedy tan, four door Toyota, with all the windows busted out and that it has been parked there for the last three or four days. The car is probably stolen and ya’ll come get this ol’ raggedy piece of junk off our street. A unit was sent out to see what was going on.

Laqweeta is complaining about her step-daddy hasslin’ her: On April 26, around 9:16 a.m., a call was received from a woman named Laqweeta onEast 134th Street, who was complaining that her step-daddy was hassling her and won’t let her get her property out of the house.  It so happens that her step-daddy is also her land lord and who really knows what this is all about. This is a little deeper than just a landlord tenant problem. A car was sent out to try and cool theez two hot heads down.

Ol’ Lady on Holmes is having a hissy about rogues stealing her fence: On April 26, at 9:29 a.m., a lady onHolmes Avenue, called having a hissy fit about two rogues that had stolen her metal fence right out of her yard.  Ms. Lady also said that she had just spotted her stuff sitting on the back of a pick up truck and that the two thugs are in a house where the truck is parked and they better gimmee my stuff back. A unit was sent out to help granny retrieve her stuff before the ruckus gets any bigger.

Dude’s girlfriend stole his keys and took off with his Caddy: On April 26, around 9:50 p.m., a very angry gentleman in the 2800 block of East 130^th Street, called in fuming and reported that his disrespectful girlfriend had just stole his car keys and took off with his prize possession,  2007 Caddy.  Ol’ boy said that lately this chick has been giving him the blues and causing some real grief, but stealing his ride takes the cake. A unit was sent out to take a report and help dude calm down.

Big, raggedy bus done broke down in the middle of Euclid Avenue: At 9:24 a.m., on April 26, a big ol’ raggedy private school bus just quit running in the middle of the street onEuclid Avenue nearIvanhoe Road. Irritated and honking motorist trying to get around this jalopy started calling in complaining to come get this big old mess out of the way. Two cars rushed out to ease the traffic jam.

Thugs are trying to break into an ATM machine: How dumb can they get, thinking that they can break into one of these machines? On April 26, at 9:15a.m., the robbery alarm at the PNC Bank in the 11000 ofEuclid Avenue signaled that some thugs were either tampering with or trying to break into the ATM machine. A car was sent out to see if some dummy was really trying to rip this off.

Some screwball is beating on his kids over on West 54^th Street: Around 9:52 a.m., a very disturbed resident on West 54^th Street, called and reported that some screwball had stopped in his big raggedy green van and was beating on the kid sin the back seat of the truck. The caller said that this dude was acting just like he was crazy and then kicked the children out of the van and drove off. A unit was sent over to see if this clown was completely off his rocker. A car which was in the area arrived in less than one minute.